Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.
Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit.
Friend: Ok I can see it...
Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there.
Friend: Uh-huh.. I'm likin' this.
Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off.
She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you.
Friend: Oh-ho-hoo.. Whatta' naughty girl.
Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirty on me. So she's sitting on you.
And then... she starting shitting in you.
Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet.
Friend: I hate you... 
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Make choking noises...
My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move.
She: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.
First man: "I follow the medical profession."
Second man: "Are you a doctor?"
First man: "No, I'm an undertaker."
Two skunks observed a deer hunter sneaking through the woods with a rifle.
"I hope he's not going to shoot at us," said one skunk.
The second skunk bowed his head and said, "Let us spray."
Vote:
Kangaroo 911: "What's your emergency?"
Kangaroo: "I can't find my children"
Kangaroo 911: "Did you check your pockets?"
Kangaroo: "Oh nevermind."
Vote:
Yo mama so fat, the only way scientists found out about space because you could see her from Earth.
Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm."
Vote:
Sylvester Stallone's son was found dead.
I guess we have a good plot for the next Rambo movie now.
Vote:
A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, "I want to call my little baby Ellie."
Nurse replies, "I'm sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?"