Yo mama is so fat, it says to be continued, when she gets on a weighing-machine.
Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? A: Invite an accountant.
A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean. Starving to death they found a can of roastbeef. They start debating how to open the can without can-opener. Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it. Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire. Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."
Why don't lobsters share? They re shellfish.
Yo mama so fat when she looks in the mirror the mirror said: "oh no get out the way."
Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips. After playing the first hole I turned to him for some advice and all he said was "loft". So after the next 4 holes I asked him again and all he said was "loft" Now we're done with the round and I asked him why after each hole all he would ever tell me was "loft"? To which the pro relies "loft" - "Lack Of F*cking Talent"
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she poured a bowl of Cheerios and said, "Look, my alphabet soup spells 'Ooooo.'"
Q:What's the hardest thing about learning to play tennis? A:Telling your parents that your gay!
What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around? Dead Siri-ous.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for 20 minutes.