Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the s**t out of you.
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey.
One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing?
I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before.
What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say.
So I said yes.
I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
‘Why don’t oysters give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.’
Jay Leno
What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
A tiger moth.
Two skunks were being chased by a bear.
As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said "Whatever shall we do?"
"Let us spray!" replied the other.
How are skunks able to avoid danger?
By using their instinks and common scents.
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a balloon?
A creature that stinks to high heaven.
What's black and white, stinks and hangs from a line?
A drip dry skunk.
What did one slug say to another who had hit him and rushed off?
I ll get you next slime.