Yo mama is so old that God doesn't remember her.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."
Happy Father's Day to someone who knew long before me that all the boys I brought home were jerks.
Ghosts are created when Chuck Norris kills people to fast for the grim reaper to prosses.
Chuck Norris doesn't jump. He moves the ground away from him.
Yo mama so fat that when she sat on a rainbow she made Skittles!
Q: What did the cannibal do once he dumped his lady friend? A: He wiped his bottom.
Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.
What went through the fly's mind as he hit the windshield? His Butt!
Two deer walk out of a gay bar, one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew twenty bucks in there..."