Q: How do 5 gay men walk?
A: One Direction!
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
‘Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.’
Spike Milligan
Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
What is the noisiest game?
Squash – because you can’t play it without raising a racquet!
One night, a lady with a black eye stumbled into the police station.
She told the desk sergeant that she had heard a noise in her back yard and gone to investigate.
The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye.
‘Did you get hit by the same attacker?’ his captain asked.
‘No, sir,’ he replied. ‘I stepped on the same rake.’
How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Vote:
‘My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.”
So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.
It was my grandfather.’
My wife asked if I would give it to her "doggy style."
So I took a dump on the floor and chewed up her shoes.