What do you call a poodle with no legs? A sponge.
Q: What's the difference between a brown-noser and a sh*thead? A: Depth perception.
What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A cock that stays up all night.
My New Years resolution is 1080p.
Leonardo DiCaprio only starred in Inception because if he didn't, Chuck Norris will enter his dream and roundhouse kick him into limbo.
Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous?" The other replied, "You're darn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?" To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue"
What do you call a bent iPhone 6 plus? A dead wringer.
Teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?" Student: " Ten Q"Teacher: "You're Welcome."
If you think you have shitty job, what if you were toilet paper!
An Aggie and a Longhorn had just bought a ranch together, so they were driving the fence line to check everything out when they came upon a goat with his head stuck in a fence. So the Longhorn gets out of the truck, looks around, and then starts screwing the goat. He gets finished, takes a step back, ands asks the Aggie, "Hey, you want a piece of this?" The Aggie says, ´"Yeah, but do I have to stick my head in the fence?"