If you think you have shitty job, what if you were toilet paper!
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30 degrees...
It was so cold out today that even the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets.
Leonardo DiCaprio only starred in Inception because if he didn't, Chuck Norris will enter his dream and roundhouse kick him into limbo.
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What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.
Question: Why does Tigger smell?
Answer: You'd smell too if you played with Pooh all day!
My New Years resolution is 1080p.
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What do you call a bent iPhone 6 plus?
A dead wringer.
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Yo momma's so fat...
They mistake her for a country.
An Aggie and a Longhorn had just bought a ranch together, so they were driving the fence line to check everything out when they came upon a goat with his head stuck in a fence.
So the Longhorn gets out of the truck, looks around, and then starts screwing the goat.
He gets finished, takes a step back, ands asks the Aggie, "Hey, you want a piece of this?"
The Aggie says, ´"Yeah, but do I have to stick my head in the fence?"
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Yo mama is so dark that that she can leave fingerprints on carbon.