Did you hear about the race horse that was so late coming in? They had to pay the jockey overtime!
Leonardo DiCaprio only starred in Inception because if he didn't, Chuck Norris will enter his dream and roundhouse kick him into limbo.
What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A cock that stays up all night.
If you think you have shitty job, what if you were toilet paper!
30 degrees... It was so cold out today that even the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets.
When Chuck Norris tries to kill himself, he always dodges the killing blow 'cause he's that awesome.
Question: Why does Tigger smell? Answer: You'd smell too if you played with Pooh all day!
What do you call a bent iPhone 6 plus? A dead wringer.
Yo momma's so fat... They mistake her for a country.
Teens are at an awkward stage in their lives. They know how to make phone calls they just don't know how to end them.