Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: After a year the dog is still happy to see you.
God made everyone different he got tired when he made china.
Yo Mama so hairy, when she shaved her legs, your dad thought she got a new carpet.
I don't always go to the gym, but when I do, I make sure Facebook knows about it.
An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills." His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes. Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?' Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.' Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?' Pharmacist: 'All kinds.' Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ' Pharmacist: 'Definitely.' Jacob: 'How about Viagra?' Pharmacist: 'Of course.' Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?' Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.' Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?' Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.' Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?' Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.' Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear? A. Because every time she got hot, he d beat her with a shovel!
‘A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.’ Bob Hope
Chuck Norris thought 24 was a sit-com.
Your mother is so fat, that when she jumped for joy, she got stuck!