What's the best thing about a Siamese twin baby? Threesomes.
-How is Ruth? -Not sure. I broke up with her last month. -Oh no. You're so Ruthless. -And how long have you been waiting to use that? -I'd rather not say.
Chuck Norris thought 24 was a sit-com.
What happens when a cow stops shaving? It grows a Moostache.
Q: If Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton participated in a spelling contest, who would win? A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that "harass" is one word.
Why is the Apple still reporting record profits from iPhone sales? Because iPhone users are just as oblivious to the looming recession as they are to the people around them.
Q: What do Captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common? A: They both wipe out klingons.
Chuck Norris "Caught 'Em All " twice.
Chuck Norris never reads the News – because Chuck Norris IS the News.
Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear? A. Because every time she got hot, he d beat her with a shovel!