Two friends who had not seen each other for awhile met at a bar.
"Hey, your wife just had a birthday recently, didn't she? Did you get her anything special?"
"Yeah, I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
"A pair of slippers and a dildo?"
"Yeah, I said 'If you don't like the slippers, you can go fuck yourself.' "
One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"
So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said
"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!
Q: Why did they invent white chocolate?
A: So all black kids could get their faces messy too.
Vote:
Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter?
When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends' houses to show them the picture of your dinner?
No?
Me neither.
Vote:
In a monastery senior sister announces to other sisters:
I have a good and a bad news for you.
The good one is that they have broughts to use a lot of carrots.
All the sisters start whistling happily.
But one of them asks:
What are the bad news?
Carrots came grated.
Vote:
Q: What does Barbie use as a tampon?
A: A Tic-Tac.
Why pay $5 at Subway when you can get this footlong for free?
Q: What's the best way to talk to a velociraptor?
A: Long distance!
Vote:
Whats the similarity between getting a bl*wjob from an 80 year old and walking the tightrope ?
In both cases you really dont want to look down !
There is nothing wrong with sex on TV – as long as you don’t fall off.