Q: What is worst than raining black cats and bloodhounds? A: Hailing taxi cabs!
Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work.
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness. “Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?” inquired the officer. “Mister,” exclaimed the telephone lineman, “I was at the top of the pole!”
Teacher: Why can’t you work in an orange juice factory? Student: I don’t know. Why? Teacher: Because you can’t concentrate!
Doctor: "Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only an indication of old age." Husband: "Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?"
What do you get if you cross a Kindle with an Apple iPhone 4S? 4Skin.
At a restaurant, one of the customers notices that all of the waiters have two spoons in their vest pockets. A waiter explains, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware is spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement." Then the customer notices a string hanging out of all the waiters' flies. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explains the waiter. "That way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims straight, and we don't need to use our hands." The customer asks, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter replies, "Well, that's another reason we carry the spoons."
Yo momma’s so ugly, the Government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Snooki is so short and orange that she works part time as a traffic cone.
Why can't girls play hockey? Because their pads can't last three periods.