Best jokes ever

Once upon a time there were these two bums walking down the railroad tracks, and the first bum, Fred, thought he smelled a nasty old smell. He asked his companion, Jeff, ''Did you s**t your pants?'' "Hell no," Jeff said. They walked a few more miles and the smell got worse. "Did you s**t your pants, Jeff?" "I swear to the God almighty I did not s**t my pants," Jeff said. So they walk three more miles and the smell gets just horrible. Fred runs over and pulls down Jeff's pants and says, "I thought you said you didn't s**t your pants?!" "I didn't." Jeff said. "They're your pants."

One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach when she noticed that she had lost her top. She thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and walked overto her towel. Then a little girl came running up to her. "If you're going to drown those puppies, at least let me have the one with the cute little pink nose."

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What do you call a trial balance that doesn't balance? A: A late night.

Chuck Norris can run a nuclear power station using a rowing machine.

Chuck Norris does not cleanse himself with your everyday shower. He uses Meteor Showers.

Chuck Norris became a firefighter, after hearing of his decision fire ceased to be an element.

I got stopped by a police officer on the way here. He told me it was illegal to carry these guns in public.

Chuck Norris won the gold, silver and bronze medals at the Olympics. In the same event. From home.

At work, a blonde notices her that cubicle mate has a thermos. She asks him what it's for, and he responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." The blonde immediately buys one. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it. Her cube mate asks, "What do you have in it?" The blonde says, "Soup and ice cream."