Yo mama is so ugly that she could be the poster child for birth control.
Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.
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Q: What do you call a trial balance that doesn't balance?
A: A late night.
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I got stopped by a police officer on the way here.
He told me it was illegal to carry these guns in public.
Chuck Norris can run a nuclear power station using a rowing machine.
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Chuck Norris does not cleanse himself with your everyday shower.
He uses Meteor Showers.
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Chuck Norris became a firefighter, after hearing of his decision fire ceased to be an element.
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Chuck Norris won the gold, silver and bronze medals at the Olympics.
In the same event. From home.
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At work, a blonde notices her that cubicle mate has a thermos.
She asks him what it's for, and he responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one.
The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.
Her cube mate asks, "What do you have in it?"
The blonde says, "Soup and ice cream."
How do you start a teddy bear race?
Ready, teddy, go.