A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and worked him over for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay!
Okay!
I'm a rabbit!
I'm a rabbit!"
Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side.
"Sleep now, it's all right," he told her.
But she kept trying to sit up and said, "Honey, I really need to tell you something."
Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.
"Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die.
During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
"Don't worry about it," Jake said, "I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Kid threw the butter out the window, he wanted to see a butterfly.
I still don't understand why smoking weed makes you a criminal...
When I smoke it the only thing I a threat to is cake.
Me: What do you call someone who isn't sure if they like egg nog or not?
Wife: What?
Me: An Eggnogstic.
Wife: This is grounds for divorce.
Yo momma so nasty i had phone sex with her and she gave me an earinfection.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.