I still don't understand why smoking weed makes you a criminal...
When I smoke it the only thing I a threat to is cake.
Me: What do you call someone who isn't sure if they like egg nog or not?
Wife: What?
Me: An Eggnogstic.
Wife: This is grounds for divorce.
Yo momma so nasty i had phone sex with her and she gave me an earinfection.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Spider-man can crawl on walls and ceilings, Chuck Norris can crawl on water.
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Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
A: We have to stick together.
Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah’s ark.
On the way home, Willy asked, “Do you think Noah did much fishing?”
“How could he?” said Billy.
“He only had two worms”.
The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping
student’s neighbor, “Hey wake that student up!”
The neighbor yells back, “You put him to sleep, you wake him up!”
Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just Juan.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.
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