Money isn’t everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.
How can you tell if a novel is homosexual? The hero always gets his man in the end.
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fell off.
The song Santa Claus is Coming To Town was originaly called Chuck Norris is Coming To Town. They changed it so the children wouldn't live in fear.
One day Mullah was beating his donkey in a remote place. A man saw him and asked: why are you beating the poor animal. Sorry, said Mullah, is it a member of your family?
During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage? Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week. Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.
Where does a cow stop to drink? The milky way.
What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around? Dead Siri-ous.
An alien lord lands in the middle of the desert and demands to see the ruler of all this planet and make it bow to his will, except he made two grave mistakes, first he landed in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night and second he didn't know anything about the inhabitants. So he approaches the first life form he finds which was a gas pump and demands it to take him to the leader. Well it's a gas pump so it doesn't say anything obviously, getting aggravated he demands again but this time pulls his laser pistol and says "This is the last time I ask earthling!" Just then his general whispers to him "Hey calm down buddy don't mess with this guy, he's a badass motherfucker". Shrugging off his comrade he furiously demands a response and after brief moments of silence, he blasts the pump and BOOM! A huge explosion occurs and they land a mile away. As they sit there dusting themselves off the alien lord looks at the general and asks "We have conquered the cosmos and all sorts of life forms, I've never seen you sweat in the face of an adversary, how did you know this guy was such a badass motherfucker?" The general looks over and says "Man if you could wrap your dick around your body 3 times and then plug it in your ear, you are a badass motherfucker."