Why do blondes like blonde jokes? 'Cause they make them feel famous!
I would actually use Siri if the voice sounded like Morgan Freeman.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but millions volunteered to get rid of anything dark
It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."
What do a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common? You can't f**k with either one.
Which traffic sign allows you to make a U-turn on a highway in Finland? You are approaching the Russian border.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Q: What do you call black people in a swimming pool? A: Coco puffs. Q: What do u call mexicans in the swimming pool? A: Reeces puffs reeces puffs!
Either the woman at the back of the train has two really ugly children, or two seriously cool Pokémons.
Yo momma so fat, she fell into a black hole and it clogged!