Q: What does a cooked chicken and a stoner who is afraid of everything have in common? A: They are both baked chickens.
I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea. They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.
Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up? Because the first thing a child looks up is dog. The second is snake. And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.
Chuck Norris paints little red wagons for a living with his victim's blood. But not the wheels. That's just wrong.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no I-Deer.
If you took all the worlds Super Heroes and combined them, Chuck would still kill them instantly.
Stevie Wonder recently told his wife that he wants to see other people.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin...
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As hes drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom. When he comes back about 15 minutes later, theres another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".
There was a boy and his mother was about to go to work. She said, "Do not open the door for nobody". The boy said, "Okay." So after the mother left a girl came to their house and she said to the boy, "Let me in." The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow”" So the girl went to the window and started knocking on it. Once again she said, "Let me in." The boy finally gave up and let her in. So once she got in she said, "Let’s go upstairs." The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow." The girl kept asking him so he finally gave up. When his mama came into his room she said, "Get off that girl." The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow!"