A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him,
"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares his grass to grow.
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Koala: What do you mean, I'm not a bear? I have all the koalafications.
Elephant: Your koalafications are completely irrelephant.
Lion: Don't listen to him! He's lion!
Bear: This arguing is becoming unbearable!
Two blondes were running from the cops as they had just been caught sneeking over the border into Mexico.
They dashed up to a fence and climbed over it, lights and sirens running behind them.
As they arrived on the other side, they came face to face with a long river.
One blonde said to the other. "Here I'll shine this flashlight over the water and you can walk accross the beam of light."
The other said: "What do you think I am, stupid!? I'll get halfway accross and you'll turn it off!"
Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
They're going to call her Old Spice.
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Chuck Norris was asked to star in Night of the Living Dead but filming was ended after the zombies were to afraid to be roundhouse kicked in the face.
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Q: What do you call a programmer from Finland?
A: Nerdic.
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Why is it called PMS? — Because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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Your mama is so thin she stepped on a scale and a scale said no papers plz.