You might be a redneck if your mother carries a lug nut wrench for a toothpick.
Q: What do you call a car only British animals can drive? A: OxFord.
Yo momma so fat she thought planet earth was her stomach.
Q: Why don't fat people were turtlenecks? A: Because turtles are now endangered.
Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol. After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls. He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again. He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground. His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
What do you get if you cross an iPhone and a fridge? Cool music.
Q: Why is divorce so costly? A: Because its justified, despite all the trouble.
If I wanted some comeback, I'd wipe it off your chin!
Dad shouts ..."STOP WATCHIN P*RN....I CAN HEAR IT IN MY ROOM!" Son: Dad...I am NOT watching p*rn... That is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!