How can you tell she's a macho women? She rolls her own tampons.
Why was the cannibal looking peeky? Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!
Yo momma is so stupid she stared at an orange juice container for 2 hours because it said concentrate.
Chuck Norris doesn't get stuck in traffic, traffic gets stuck in Chuck Norris.
Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Only once in history has Chuck Norris snapped his fingers, scientists call it The Big Bang.
A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.
About 4,000 years ago: God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!" Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
Yo momma so fat, her patronus is a cake.