‘My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.’
My wife asked if I would give it to her "doggy style." So I took a dump on the floor and chewed up her shoes.
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.
Q. Why are fish so smart? Q. Why are fish so smart A. Because they swim in schools!
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? A: Becuase the "P" is silent.
Q:What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags? A:Mmmm, sandwiches!
Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?"
Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde? A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
Chuck Norris can make his own reflection vomit with fear.