Where was your mom last night? At Chuck Norris' place.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?"
What happens when a cow stops shaving? It grows a Moostache.
What happened when the shark became famous? He tured into a starfish.
My wife asked if I would give it to her "doggy style." So I took a dump on the floor and chewed up her shoes.
Q. Why are fish so smart? Q. Why are fish so smart A. Because they swim in schools!
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? A: Becuase the "P" is silent.
Q:What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags? A:Mmmm, sandwiches!