A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer.
He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another.
The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, "How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?"
The man says, "Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home."
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house!"
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.
Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.
Yo' Mama is so poor, she steals her breakfast from backyard bird feeders.
Yo' Mama's hair is so full of dandruff, when she shook her head, the principal called a snow day.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she invented a ventilated condom.
Yo' Mama is so nasty, she can sit on a lollipop and guess its flavor.
Yo' Mama is so fat, her shadow is used for the witness protection program.
Yo' Mama is so fat, when she rubs her legs together, I smell bacon.