Little Johnny asks his mum, "Mum, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time in a faraway land'?" "No darling," says his mother, somewhat distressed, "Sometimes, they can begin with 'I've got too much work in the office tonight, I'll come home later'."
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing? A: He didn't have any arms.
Chuck Norris found the fountain of youth, but...he wasn't thirsty.
One day, the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance; I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here". "Yes", snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires."
Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?"
What do you get if you cross a cow with a tension headache? A bad mood.
I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand. Coincidence?
‘My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.’
Q. Why are fish so smart? Q. Why are fish so smart A. Because they swim in schools!