Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn't have any arms.
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Q: What kind of money do elves use?
A: Jingle bills!
A redneck family shares one vehicle, the daughter asks her dad for the truck.
The father says "okay, you know what to do."
Then continues to lower his pants, the daughter says "daddy why's there shit on your dick."
The father then replies "ohhhh, that's right honey, your brother has the truck."
My mate down the pub asked me last night "Why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?"
I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."
He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"
I replied, "No, I work in a morgue."
Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?"
I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand.
Coincidence?
What do you get if you cross a cow with a tension headache?
A bad mood.
‘My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.”
So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.
It was my grandfather.’
Q:What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
A:Mmmm, sandwiches!
Q: Why did the referee stop the leper hockey game?
A: There was a face-off in the corner.
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