Best jokes ever

How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf? He became a vegetarian.
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Where do you go if you become ‘at one’ with your computer? Nerdvana.
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How do you caculate the population of Russia? You roll a bottle of vodka down the street.
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What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
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Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
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Christano Roanaldo dives because he thinks of Chuck Norris.
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Yo mama so fat she stepped on a weight machine and someone said "hey that's my phone number"!
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Chuck Norris leaves potholes when he jogs.
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Woman: When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful? Beautician: Maybe. Does he still drink a lot?
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The government recently noticed that it had too many generals in the army and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from my index finger of the left foot to the thumb, that's it." The pension man said that would be fine but "My God!" he said, "where is your thumb?!" The general replied, "Back in Iraq!"
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More jokes about: military, money, old people, political