Best jokes ever

Woman: When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful? Beautician: Maybe. Does he still drink a lot?
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More jokes about: alcohol, beauty, husband, women
The government recently noticed that it had too many generals in the army and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from my index finger of the left foot to the thumb, that's it." The pension man said that would be fine but "My God!" he said, "where is your thumb?!" The general replied, "Back in Iraq!"
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More jokes about: military, money, old people, political
Q: Where do cowboys cook their meals? A: On the range.
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Chuck Norris doesnt eat lunch, he drinks dinner.
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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. “Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
Vote: has 54.57 % from 133 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: little Johnny, phone, school, teacher
What is the difference between a Mexican and a book? A book has papers.
Vote: has 54.56 % from 109 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: racist
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer. The bartender brings a beer and notices the parrot on his shoulder and says, "Hey that's really neat. Where did you get it?" The parrot responds, "In the jungle, there's millions of them."
Vote: has 54.49 % from 45 votes. Send joke:

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Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar? They are both stuck up cunts.
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Q: What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? A: "Would you like fries with that?"
Vote: has 54.46 % from 60 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: blonde, college, communication, food
How do you get a Jewish girl's number? You pull up her sleeve.
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More jokes about: jewish, racist