Money can’t buy happiness, but it can rent it for a couple of hours.
Q: What bounces and makes kids cry? A: My donation cheque to Children in Need.
What do you get from a cowmedian? Cream of Wit.
Teacher: "Name five things that contain milk." Pupil: "Butter, cheese, ice cream … and two cows."
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."
‘My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.’
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the nursery? They woke up.
What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane? A dandy lion.
What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world's greatest basketball player? Bear Jordan.
Chuck Norris didn't cross the road... he was already on the other side...