When Chuck Norris steals a car he forces it to start.
Vote:
There are no comets.
Only people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked so hard that they are now in permanent orbit in our solar system.
Vote:
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commentator.
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs from her.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
Three guys talk in a bar.
Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them.
The third guy remains quiet.
Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? do you rule your roost?"
The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
"What happened then?" they ask.
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
“Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one,
“that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.”
“Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.”
“What was the jingle?” asked the first. “Oh,” replied the other offhand, “just our medals.”
Yo mamas teeth are so yellow she helped Dorothy get to the emerald city.
*Me when I turn 18*
Parents: Do this.
Me: Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf.
What did the computer do at lunchtime?
Had a byte!
Grandmother is so stupid, she’s gone on the pill because she doesn’t want any more grandchildren.