Men, don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms; buy an ordinary one and slip in a handful of frozen peas.
If I had my whole life to live over again, I don’t think I’d have the strength.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
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Why don’t some teachers like to break wind in public?
Because they’re private tooters.
A couple come across a wishing well.
The husband leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.
The wife makes a wish too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns.
The husband says, ‘Wow!
It really works!’
Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
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The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out.
It failed miserably.
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One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while.
"But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, "Sir,
I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot.
Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says,
"Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed.
Have you been eating doughnuts?"