One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while.
"But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she took a ladder to a Giants game.
In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed whereas in college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?
One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
Chuck Norris doesn't need twitter, he's already following you.
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, "Sir,
I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot.
Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says,
"Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed.
Have you been eating doughnuts?"
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".
Yo momma so fat, she bounced over Wal-Mart, rolled over KMart, and landed on target.
Cannibal Son: Mom, I don't like my brother anymore.
Cannibal Mother: You shut up and eat!
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