Best jokes ever

A man walks into a nearly empty bar and orders a drink. He's sitting alone at the end of the bar, sipping away, and he hears a voice. "Nice shirt." He looks around and sees no one nearby. He forgets about it and continues drinking. "Nice tie," the voice says again. He looks around a second time. The bartender and all other customers are at the other side of the room. Confused, the man calls the bartender over and asks about the mysterious voice that admired his clothing. "Oh, that's the peanuts," the bartender said. "The peanuts?" asked the man. "Yeah, they're complimentary."

Chuck Norris puts the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter'.

Global warming is caused by transient energy leftover from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris once broke the land bike speed record with a bike with a lost chain and a missing back wheel.

When Chuck Norris pours a bowl of Rice Krispies, they shut the hell up!

Kind of surprised hipsters haven't started tying their beard's in man buns yet.

Yo mama is so fat they thought her butt was a new planet.

Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common? A: They all get the house.

There were three women who always hung their laundry out in the backyard. Two of the women noticed Sophie never had her laundry out on days that it rained. One day, they were all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women said to Sophie, "How come when it rains, your laundry is never out?" "Well," said Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash." "What if it is pointed straight up?" asked one of the women. "On a day like that, I don't bother with the laundry."

Q: What was so bad about being a black Jew? A: You had to sit in the back of the oven.