Chuck Norris has never received an electricity bill, he powers everything with his rage
An evening of Valentine's Day. A man comes to a drug store: "Good evening!" "Sorry, we are sold out..."
What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ? One's composing, the other is decomposing.
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Money talks – all mine says is ‘Goodbye!’
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. ‘One thing about Jim,’ his buddy said to the bartender. ‘He knows when to stop.’
Chuck Norris once planted a box of Cheerios in his yard, the result was a donut tree.
A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian. "Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him. "How do I do that?" he asked. "Carefully," replied the vet.