How do you get a blonde to drown? Put a scratch and sniff on the showerhead.
My wife has given me a reason to live – revenge.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Yo momma’s so ugly, when she looks in the mirror her reflection ducks.
Three mice in a pub having a bevy discussing who's the hardest. 1st mouse says I'm the hardest I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down i bench press it 30 times and throw it across the room! 2nd mouse says : you poof! I get rat poison' crush it into powder and snort it. 3rd mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door, where are you going? asked the other 2. Home he replied to shag the cat!
Q: What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria? A: The Food!
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18" The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" The bartender asks "so which one died?" "No one." "But you only ordered two drinks!" "Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Yo mama so fat even dora cant explore her.