"Hi Liz! How's the big love of yours, James?" "It's over!" "Over? Why, what happened?" "We got married..."
A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework. Dad, he says, "What is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'"? Father scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says,"That's a tough one; it's probably easier to demonstrate. Go & ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question" ... 2 minutes later, the lad is back. "Dad, they both said for 1 million quid...? Definitely!" Well son, says the old man, "There is your answer; potentially, we are sitting on 2 million quid; realistically, we are living with a pair of slags..!
Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband: "So, how do I look?" "Well, at least you tried..."
Yo mama is so black when she went outside the street lights turned on!
Q: What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison? A: "I feel like a kid again."
How do you get a nigger out of a tree? Cut the rope.
For their 10th anniversary, a wife surprises her husband by wearing the lingerie she wore on their wedding night. She asks her husband what his exact thoughts were 10 years ago when he first saw her in the lingerie. He says, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and f**k your brains out." "Well, what do you think today?" He says, "I think I did a good job."
I still don't understand why smoking weed makes you a criminal... When I smoke it the only thing I a threat to is cake.
Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision? A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her. She screams, "Nein!, Nein" So two guys walk away.