How do you hire a horse? Put a brick under each hoof!
A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?” He replied “Putting on my shoes!”.
Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air. Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone." George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore." Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark..."
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: After a year the dog is still happy to see you.
A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..." The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch. He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."
Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? A: Becuase the "P" is silent.
Q:Where do you find giant snails? A:On the ends of their fingers.
What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys? Rhesus Pieces.
Yo mamma so fat and scary, Godzilla watches "yo mamma" movies!
Q: What is a black cat's favorite color? A: Purrrrrr-ple!