If you say "alright" in the mirror 3 times Matthew McConaughey will appear and hand you a joint.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. "Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me." "I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."
Chuck Norris is allowed to draw pictures of Mohammad.
Chuck Norris became famous when he coached the American rugby and America won the fifa world cup.
J: What did Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving day? A: TWERKY!
When Teddy Rosavelt said there is nothing to fear but fear itself he obiously hadn't met Chuck Norris.
Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine was "The president must go." Bill Clinton storms into his office and demaned to know who did it. So his two body guards run out to find out who it was. Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, "We have some bad news, and we have worse news." "What is the bad news?" asked Bill. "Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his vice-president, Al Gore." "Whats the worst news?" asked Bill. "The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"
Jamaica has named Usain Bolt its Sportsman of the Year. In related news, the island has also made Michael Phelps an honorary citizen.
Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ? One's composing, the other is decomposing.