J: What did Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving day?
A: TWERKY!
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When Teddy Rosavelt said there is nothing to fear but fear itself he obiously hadn't met Chuck Norris.
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Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine was "The president must go."
Bill Clinton storms into his office and demaned to know who did it.
So his two body guards run out to find out who it was.
Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, "We have some bad news, and we have worse news."
"What is the bad news?" asked Bill.
"Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his vice-president, Al Gore."
"Whats the worst news?" asked Bill.
"The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"
Jamaica has named Usain Bolt its Sportsman of the Year.
In related news, the island has also made Michael Phelps an honorary citizen.
Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today?
A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
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Q: Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger train on a desert island?
A: He wanted maximum isolation.
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What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ?
One's composing, the other is decomposing.
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Randy Johnson can throw a fastball 101mph.
Chuck Norris can throw Randy Johnson 101mph.
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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Miss DeAngelo was a not-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star.
She didn’t find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case.
When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward.
"Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the defendant has identified you as the ‘other woman’ in her husband’s life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans?"
"Well, yes," acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff, "but I couldn’t help it."
"Couldn’t help it?" asked the lawyer derisively. "How’s that?"
"Mr. Evans deceived me."
"Exactly what do you mean?"
"See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the motel clerk I was his wife."