Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon!
Money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.
The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
Q: What do you get when you complete science class?
A: A graduated cylinder.
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Q: What element is a girl's future best friend?
A: Carbon.
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Q: What happens when spectroscopists are idle?
A: They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up:
Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.
Yo mama farts so much there is a reason why Jupiter is made out of gas.
Little Johnny was a chemist.
Little Johnny is no more.
What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
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