A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. "I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that." Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him. The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry? A: Never lick the spoon!
Q: What happens when spectroscopists are idle? A: They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
Yo mama farts so much there is a reason why Jupiter is made out of gas.
Q: What element is a girl's future best friend? A: Carbon.
Q: What do you get when you complete science class? A: A graduated cylinder.
As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up: Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.
Little Johnny was a chemist. Little Johnny is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Q: Why can't lawyers do NMR? A: Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.