The best dirty jokes

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm... they are making cakes. now come on, we'll go to the Zoo" At the Zoo, the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes. Thats it we're going home" The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?" Shocked, the Mother says, "What? How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
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has 75.42 % from 107 votes. More jokes about: dirty
Two blokes sitting in a bar, 1 says, "After 10 years of marriage, s*x is down to three times a year." The other replies, "Same here pal, as a matter of fact if my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I'd have none at all."
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has 75.42 % from 107 votes. More jokes about: dirty
Q: What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt? A: Self-employed.
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has 75.38 % from 83 votes. More jokes about: dirty
What did the Left Nut say to the right nut? Don't talk to the guy in the middle he's a d*ck!...
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has 75.38 % from 83 votes. More jokes about: dirty
Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat? A: They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
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has 75.33 % from 116 votes. More jokes about: dirty, women
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
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has 75.33 % from 1573 votes. More jokes about: business, customer service, dirty, money, work
This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything. About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it." Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained. "Really, what do you take for that?" she asked. Ian replied, "Pepper."
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has 75.33 % from 153 votes. More jokes about: airplane, dirty, food, medical, time
What is it? Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one. The Pope has one but doesn’t use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Bush is one. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. Liberace never used his on women. Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. Cher claims that she took on 3. We never saw Lucy use Desi’s. What is it? The answer is: "A Last Name..." You didn’t think I’d tell you a dirty joke, did you?
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has 75.15 % from 179 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, dirty, time
Once upon a time, there was a king who thought that his officers were going to try to have sex with his queen. So he made all of his officers put on tight pants and told them that if anyone got a boner their head would be chopped off. So he lined them up and the queen came to the first one and took off her gown. He got a boner, so that was the end of him. Then she came to the next one and took off her gown, he got a boner and that was the end of him. This went on until she came to the last one and took off gown, then her underthings and he didn't get a boner. So she took off his clothes and started rolling on the floor with him, half an hour went by, then an hour, finally after two hours the king came in to see what was happening and as soon as the king came in the guy got a boner.
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has 75.07 % from 289 votes. More jokes about: dirty, gay, sex
A man is on a plane. The pilot starts talking on the intercom and then lays it down without knowing its still on. The pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could use two things right now, a cup of coffee and a blowjob." Stuartist runs up the isle to tell the pilot to turn off the intercom. The man stands up and says, "Hey hun, dont forget the coffee."
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has 74.97 % from 105 votes. More jokes about: dirty
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