Two men work in a mortuary.
One says to another, "You should see that woman they brought in today.
She'd been in the water for a week.
Her clit was like a pickle."
"Ew!" says the other fellow.
"It was green?"
"No, it was sour!"
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Drinking all day at a bar a man stumbles to the restroom to throw up.
He doesn't make it in time and pukes all over the front of his shirt.
As the drunk returned to the bar the bartender asks: "what the hell happened?"
The drunk is very upset explaining to the bartender: "my wife gonna be pissed off! She just got me this shirt as an anniversary gift. Soon as she sees puke all over it, she will be shitty!"
The bartender, being helpful says: "I got an idea. Why don't you put a $10 bill in the front shirt pocket and when she notices the puke you can say you drove a drunk fella home from the bar and during the drive, he got sick and puked all over the front of your new shirt?"
Naturally, the guy felt bad so he gave you the $10 so you could have it cleaned.
The drunk looked at the bartender a moment, thinking it over.
"That's a great idea, the drunk slurs. Thank you."
And the drunk left.
When the drunk walked in the front door of his home there stood his wife to greet him.
She hugged him and said: "oh my lord Frank, what happened to your new shirt?"
He explained: "I drove a drunk fella home from the bar and he puked all over the front of my shirt, patting the pocket, and gave me $10 to get it cleaned."
The wife reaches in and pulls the cash from the pocket.
"But Frank," the wife says, "there is $20 here."
Frank replies, "oh, I forgot to mention, he shit in my pants too."
Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?
A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!
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A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar.
The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar.
The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks.
The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo.
The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, and has another look from a different angle.
Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and says,
"What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
The octopus says, "Play it?
If I can figure out how to get it's pajama's off, I'm gonna screw it!"
Little Johnny: "I've piss may I go out?"
Teacher : "Piss is an impolite word instead you say I've number 1."
Jimmy: "May I go out? I want to shit."
Teacher: "Shit is also a bad word it is better to use number 2 instead."
Ronald: "There is a wind in my belly give me please a number for it."
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There was a horny young lady named Lil,
Who fucked dynamite sticks for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil!
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I don't like the term "anal bleaching".
I prefer "changing your ringtone."
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Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A: "How are we supposed to find an egg in all this sh*t?"
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Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
A: Winnie the Pooh.
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Q: Why was the condom flying through the air?
A: It got pissed off.
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