A blonde buys a used sports car. However, during the first joy ride, the engine jerks and the car slows to a stop. The blonde calls a tow truck. The mechanic sets to work, and 10 minutes later, the car is running again. "What was the matter?" she asks. "Simple really, just sh*t in the carburetor" he replies. Taken aback she asks, "Oh, how many times a week do I have to put that in?"
Little Johnny walks into his parent's room one night to find them having sex. "Mom? What are you doing?" he asks his mom. "Making a cake" his mom replies. Later that week, Little Johnny walks asks his mom in the car "Were you and daddy making a cake on the couch" he asks. "Yeah. Why?" his mom asks, confused and worried. "Because I licked the icing off the couch! It was delicious!" he responded.
Why are contipated folks unkind and rude? Cause they don't give a crap!
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter.
"Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?" asked one vampire. "Oh, I thought we'd go to the movies, and then get a quick bite."
What's better than 10 dead babies in 1 bag? 1 dead baby in 10 bags.
What do Mario LeMieux and Courtney Love have in common? They both shower after three periods!
Q: Did you hear about the annoying midget who went to a nudist colony? A: He kept getting in everyone's hair.
One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone PISSING on his Ferrari. "Hey," says the man. "Why are you pissing on my Ferrari?" "Because I feel like it." "Tell you what -- I won't report you to the police if you can keep up with my Ferrari." "Whatever." So the guy gets in his car and drives off, going faster and faster, until he's hit 100 miles per hour. Amazingly, the guy is still keeping up. "I'm amazed," says the driver. "How are you keeping up?" "It's easy," says the running man, "when your d**k is stuck in the door."
Q: What does a plumber need to know about his job? A: Sh*t runs downhill and payday is on Friday.