The best Halloween jokes

There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. When she walked out of the room her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!" "I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!" The man agreed and went into his room. Soon he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string. The woman said, "You're going out as that?" "Yes," said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."

Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? A: Hope it's Halloween!

I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in. Forget the ships. My lighthouse, my rules...

You might be a redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?

Q: What do birds give out on Halloween? A: Tweets!

It's Halloween and when the man answers his door, there's a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says "Trick or treat". The man's a bit confused so he asks the boy what he's dressed up as. "I'm an IRS agent", says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.

If your right leg was Halloween and the other one was Christmas I would have come visit you between the holidays.

Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons? A: They're a bunch of no bodies!

On Halloween, children give Chuck Norris candy.