Two programmers after work, talking in a pub:
"You will never believe me when I tell you what happened to me yesterday. I met a very nice blonde in a bar."
- And what did you do ?
"I invited her to my place, we had some drinks and then the girl asked me to undress her."
"Are you kidding me ? And what did you do then?"
"I got her blouse and her dress off and then i got her to sit on my office, right next to my new laptop."
"Oh, you got a new laptop. What model and what are its specifications?"
You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts...
Man, and do you have life?
OMG, No! Could you send me a link?
Vote:
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar.
A little while later they walked out because they couldn't find a table.
Q: Why did the programmer quit his job?
A: Because he didn't get arrays.
Vote:
A new army computer is put through its paces.
An officer types in a question, ‘How far is it from the barrack gate to the armoury?’
The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred.’
The officer types, ‘Seven hundred what?’
The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred, sir!’
Programming is like sex.
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Vote:
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
1998: Don't get in the car with strangers.
2008: Don't meet people from the internet.
2018: Order yourself a stranger to get in the car with from the internet. (Uber)