Q: Why did the programmer quit his job? A: Because he didn't get arrays.
I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company. One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh. The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac, there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted. I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash. Then I had him perform a few other steps. As a reminder, I said, "Don't forget to empty the trash." Obediently he replied, "Yes, dear."
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
An artist, a lawyer, and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy. The programmer says, ‘It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!’
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
A new army computer is put through its paces. An officer types in a question, ‘How far is it from the barrack gate to the armoury?’ The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred.’ The officer types, ‘Seven hundred what?’ The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred, sir!’
Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Your Momma is so fat, she takes her picture with Google Earth.
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office. I will find you. You have my Word.