What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?
Isaiah.
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What do you call a cow on a trampoline?
A milkshake.
Psychiatrist: "What’s your problem?"
Patient: "I think I’m a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
What do cows call Frank Sinatra?
Old Moo Eyes.
What's green with bumps?
A frog with the measles!
Q: What did the emu say to the nurse?
A: Mend her bones or walk the plank
How do you weigh a whale?
On Whale Weigh Scales.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
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On what should you mount a statue of your cat?
A caterpillar!
Chuck Norris was once so famished, he ate Turkey.
The country there now is only an impostor.
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A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter said to the cat, "Is there anything I can do to make your stay here better?"
The cat said, "I've been sleeping on a cold floor and I'd love a warm pillow to sleep on.
St. Peter gave a pillow to the cat, and the cat headed off to bed.
Later, some mice came to St. Peter. They wanted roller skates to get around faster so St. Peter gave them their skates and the mice went off.
The next evening St. Peter checks in on the cat. "How was your night last night?"
The cat said "That pillow you gave me is really nice, but what I like the most about heaven is the Meals on Wheels."