Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek" Who wrote it?
Major Bumsore.
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Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up.
Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note?
Beef-flat!
What do you call a person in china who doesn't eat dog?
A tourist.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?
A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.
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Q: How does a blonde kill a worm?
A: She burys it.
What did the flower say to be the bee?
"Buzz off you stupid ugly horny cunt."
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Chuck Norris is the most feared predator on the planet.
That's why sharks have a Chuck Norris week.
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David received a parrot for his birthday.
The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an obscenity.
Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.
He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.
He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”
If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it?
Jawbreakers.