Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed?
A: Han So-high
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If you say "alright" in the mirror 3 times Matthew McConaughey will appear and hand you a joint.
What famous painting do cows love to look at?
The Moona Lisa.
Q: How long does it take before a pound of weed goes bad?
A: I don't know! I've never had it longer than an hour!
Me: "I only smoke weed because of Cancer."
Mom: "You don't have Cancer!"
Me: "So it's working..."
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t.
The pig was killed.
The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray.
He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
“What happened?” asked the President.
“Well,” the driver replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President.
The driver replied: “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
Newton's 3rd Law never applies to Chuck Norris.
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You can't buy happiness but you can buy weed… and that's pretty close.
When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the exact same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car.
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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are."