Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player. How come? Every time he plays I wonder “why the fuck did I bothered to buy him”!
There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court. The judge says, "do you want to live with your dad?" the kid says "no! he beats me!". The judge says,"you want to live with your mom?" "no! she beats me too!". So the judge says, "who do you want to live with then?" The kid says, "The Cleveland Browns...they can't beat anybody!"
Golfer: "My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me!" Caddy: "I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir!"
Mama Bear and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand. The judge says, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies. "He beats me." The judge then asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies. "She beats me too." So the judge says, "So who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody."
Did you hear John McEnroe went for an audition for the latest Harry Potter film? They turned him down, saying "You cannot be Sirius!"
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Mrs. Williams: Ok kids let's play soccer SMACK! Anna:OW! Mrs. Williams: What happened Anna? Anna: Andy punched me! Mrs. Williams : Why did you punch Anna,Andy? Andy: You said let's play sock her, so I did.
What does NBA stand for Niggas Boucing Around.
Q: What's the difference between basketball and sex? A: In basketball you dribble before you shoot!
Q: Why can't orphans play baseball? A: They don't know where home is.
I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."