A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks him if he's done any good. The man says no. So St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery. The man says, "I was refereeing a match in London between England and Germany. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play when I awarded a penalty against England." "Yes," responds St. Peter, "That was a real act of bravery. Can you tell me when this took place?" "Certainly," the man replies. "About three minutes ago."
A boxer had written on his tombstone: "You can stop counting. I'm not getting up."
Randy Johnson can throw a fastball 101mph. Chuck Norris can throw Randy Johnson 101mph.
Yo mama so fat when she was swimming in the ocean the indians claimed her as the new land.
Did you hear the NFL is changing the color off the football to green? Yeah, you ever hear of a black person droping a watermelon?
Why are old socks good for golf? Because they have eighteen holes.
The Karate Kid killed caught a fly with two chopsticks, Chuck Norris killed a rhino with one.
Q: Why can't orphans play baseball? A: They don't know where home is.
Four nuns were attending a baseball game. Four men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there." Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Missouri, there are only 75 nuns living there." The third guy said, "I want to go to Texas, there are only 50 nuns living there." The fourth guy said, "I want to go to Maine. There are only 25 nuns living there." The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don’t you go to hell, there aren’t any nuns there!"
How about we march into your red zone and I'll split the uprights? High five!
What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman? "When a golfer lies he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!