Joke #3052

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool) They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest. They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him"! After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts - "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!" The front guy says, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass, but you better start to "brace yourself!"

When Chuck Norris plays dodge ball... the balls dodge him.

What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court? Annette!

Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? A: The big hand touches the little one.

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing." Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!" Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday." The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice. When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”. So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there. So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her. “How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde. So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”

Chuck Norris doesn't throw a baseball, it just leaves his hand cowering in fear.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought "Dunkin' Donuts" was a basketball team.

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

The water in Rio is so bad that even Usain Bolt had the "runs" in his last race!

What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common? You don't look down.