There was a terrible tragedy concerning the local ice hockey team.
They drowned during spring training.
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"I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in." - Terry Venables.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler?
A: Michael Phelps can finish a race.
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are those?, asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.
“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”
Why is basketball such a messy sport?
Because you dribble on the floor!
It's the 7th game of the Stanley Cup Finals.
At the beginning of the game, a guy sits down in his seat and notices an empty seat and another gentleman next to him.
"Can you believe it?" the man says to the gentleman, "It's game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals and there is actually an empty seat!
What's up with that I wonder!"
The gentleman speaks up and says, "Well, you see the seat belonged to my wife.
We went to the games together."
"Where is your wife? The man asks cautiously.
"She passed away," said the gentleman.
"Oh, I'm sorry, you could not get anyone else to come to the game with you?" said the man.
Said the gentleman with a slight smirk "No, they're all at the funeral."
There was a tragic end to the water polo championships – all the horses drowned.
How did the blonde die icefishing?
She got run over by the zamboni!
Tom, Frank, and Harry are fishing in a boat.
Frank stands up to get a beer, loses his balance, falls in the lake, and dissapears.
After a few minutes, and no sign of Frank, Tom tells Harry he better go in after him.
Harry drags him into the boat and notices hes not breathing.
"Better give him mouth-to-mouth" says Tom.
"Whew! I don't remember him having this bad of breath!" says Harry.
Tom replies, "Oh yeah, well I don't remember him wearing a snowmobile suit!"
Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
On a Roman warship, the galley boss looked over his slaves and shouted, "Today I have good news. All of you are getting extra food tonight."
The slaves all looked at him in silence, except one decrepit old man in the back, who moaned, "Oh God, no, not again."
A new slave next to him asked, "Why are you moaning?"
"This only happens when the Captain's nephew wants to water ski."