What’s the difference between England and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Basketball
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What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court?
Annette!
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
In France, Chuck Norris accidentally won Tour de France by exercise bike.
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Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.
"I blame the general manager," said the first fan. "If he signed better players, we'd be a great team."
"I blame the players," said the
second fan. "If they made more of
an effort, we'd score some points."
"I blame my parents," said the third. "If I'd been born in Seattle,
I'd be supporting a decent team."
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A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report.
"Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife!"
"OK, that's it, guys," Roger said.
"This is positively the last deal."
So I heard the reason Usain Bolt is so fast is because his offseason training consists of going back home and hitting on dudes.
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Why are baseball players in trouble with the law so often?
They always hit and run.
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing.
Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap.
But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.
As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws.
The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it.
Startled, the eagle drops the fish.
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time."
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain."
"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!"
She told him earnestly.
"ohh No, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain".
She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"