A woman is speaking to her friend, ‘My husband has got one foot in the grate.’ ‘Don’t you mean one foot in the “grave”?’ says the friend. ‘No,’ replies the woman. ‘He wants to be cremated.’
There are 3 men on a plane a Mexican an American and a Russian the Mexican says "I hate my country!" And throughs a soup out the window the American says "I hate my country" and throughs a pie out the window. The Russian says "I hate my country!" And throughs a bomb out the window. Then the plane lands and the Mexican sees a kid crying the Mexican says "what's wrong kid?" The kid says "a soup fell on my mom's head and she burnt to death." "I didn't do that" says the Mexican. The American was walking and saw a kid crying "what's wrong kid?" The kid says "my mom was driving and a pie fell on her windshield and drove off a cliff cause she couldn't see!" "I didn't do that" says the American. Then the Russian gets off the plane and saw a kid laughing his head off. The Russian says "what's so funny?" The kid says " daddy farted and the house went BOOM BOOM!"
Did you hear about the black guy that died on the highway? He stuck his head out the window and his lips beat him to death.
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.
What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ? Crib death.
Why did the cannibal live on his own? He was fed up with other people.
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
A Mexican and a nigger are riding in car. Who's driving? A cop!
After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, "Ma'am, I've got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?" After quickly thinking it over, she responds, "I'll have the bad news first doctor". The doctor replies, "We'll, I'm not sure how to put this, and I'm sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair". Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. "Doctor, if that's the bad news, what's the good news". The doctor replies, "He's dead".
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.