A woman is speaking to her friend, ‘My husband has got one foot in the grate.’ ‘Don’t you mean one foot in the “grave”?’ says the friend. ‘No,’ replies the woman. ‘He wants to be cremated.’
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
I got in trouble during high school for masturbating in the showers. Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.
Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A: A pedophile.
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?" Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".
What's the difference between an apple and a black man? None! They both hang from trees.
How do you hide your money from a mexican?
Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion? "Ask your sister" "I don't have a..."
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A cherry float.
What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ? One's composing, the other is decomposing.