A woman is speaking to her friend, ‘My husband has got one foot in the grate.’ ‘Don’t you mean one foot in the “grave”?’ says the friend. ‘No,’ replies the woman. ‘He wants to be cremated.’
Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!
How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole? Stick a javelin through it's head.
A Mexican and a nigger are riding in car. Who's driving? A cop!
An Asian walks into a McDonald's and says, "I'll Have An Eggroll and Some Fry Rye." "I'm sorry sir we don't serve that. Would you like anything else?" "I have quarter pounder. And when would you like to pick that up...Hiroshima!"
Q: How do you kill an emo? A: You don't you let depression do the work.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? A: Because his wife died.
Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?" Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."
Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork? So you can tell which ones are still alive.
My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital. I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering "Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then died. I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means "You're standing on my oxygen tube."