The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope.
"You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
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Q: How is the Easter Bunny like Michael Jordan? ´
A: They're both famous for stuffing baskets!
A redhead, a blonde and a brunette were stuck on an island and had to get back home from the island.
The redhead swims half way and drowns.
The brunette swims half way and drowns too.
The blonde swims halfway gets tired and swims back.
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Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry.
By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.
Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight.
Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room.
Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
Repeat with the other breast. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
Exercise #2 Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box.
Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds.
Do this again in case the last time wasn't effective enough.
Then repeat with the other breast.
Exercise #3 Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect.
Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.
Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
CONGRATULATIONS!
Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.
A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment.
They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket.
"What is that?" she asks.
"Those are my golf balls."
"Is that like tennis elbow?"
After a long day of winter sporting, we headed back to the ski lodge.
As it was small, a cramped place to stay, we decided it was most fitting to sleep in the same bed.
Myself in the middle and my two friends either side of me.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right woke up and said, "I have had a dream where I was given the best handjob ever!"
A few minutes later, the guy on my left woke up and said: "I have had a dream that I was given the best handjob ever!"
I replied, "well that's funny... I thought I was skiing."
The frustrated golfer drove over the river and threw the woods.
Swimming
Q: What's the worst thing about being lonely?
A: Playing Frisbee.
Basketball is the perfect game for a black person.
All you do is run, shoot and steal.
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