Chuck Norris only mast*rbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. 
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Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
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Chuck Norris does not masturbate, because there is no greater pleasure than being Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris doesn't m*sturbate, he r*pes his hand.
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Chuck Norris does not masturbate, because there is no greater pleasure than being Chuck Norris.
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A boss has to fire one of 2 workers, Jack and Jill.
However, Both Jack and Jill are skilled workers and he is finding it really, really difficult to pick.
So after their shifts, Jack goes home before Jill does, and the boss goes over to Jill just before she gets into her car.
He informs her of his dilemma.
"Hey Jill, I have a problem."
"Ok Boss, what is it?" she asks
"I Can't decide whether to lay you or Jack off, what would you suggest?"
"Well, you'd better get the vasoline, i'm going home!"
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Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes.
He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
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Chuck Norris watches Saturday Night Live on Friday.
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Chuck Norris was banned from going to "housewarming" parties because he kept burning them down.
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Why did the semen cross the road?
Because I wore the wrong sock today.
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Q: When is the only time a guy can multi-task?
A: When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...
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