Q: What do you get when you mix cigarettes with hot water? A: A soggy butt.
Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. "Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
Q: How many hipsters does it take to flush a toilet? A: You can't touch that toilet, it's art.
What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school? I'll see you next period.
Why did God give women legs? So they don't leave a trail like a slug.
What do you give Mikey for his 18th birthday? A 90 year old woman, because Mikey will eat anything.
Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo? Miss Wilson: In two minutes Malcolm. Do your alphabet first. Malcolm: Ok Miss Wilson. abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz. Miss Wilson: Very good, Malcolm, but where's the p? Malcolm: Miss, it's running down my leg!
Q: What's the difference between a cook and a gay? A: The cook stirs today's lunch, whereas the gay stirs yesterday's dinner.
Q: What does it look like when you microwave a baby? A: I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? A: He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.