The best kids jokes

Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: "Let's play Christmas. I'll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I'll give you away."
Vote: has 77.03 % from 41 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Christmas, game, kids, mean, Santa
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. Then the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. "Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
Vote: has 76.96 % from 52 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: kids
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.” “But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.” “Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.” “Oh, what was it then?” “I think it was the spin cycle.”
Vote: has 76.89 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, death, dog, kids
Husband: "Good night mother of my three sons." Wife: "Same to you father of none."
Vote: has 76.89 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dad, husband, kids, wife
A little boy was pushing a heavy cart uphill with a lot of effort. The work was very tiring, so someone walking nearby felt pity and helped the little boy push the heavy cart until the end of the hill. He stopped indignant there and told to the child: "You should say to your boss that it is a shame to make a kid such hard work to do." "I told them, sir." "Well, what did they reply?" "Pull kid and some sucker will be there to help you."
Vote: has 76.89 % from 35 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: god, kids, work
Peter: My mom is having a new baby. Joy: What's wrong with the old one?
Vote: has 76.87 % from 139 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, kids
Little Johnny was at school one day, when he noticed that there was a large crowd of kids gathered around Little Billy. Little Johnny walks up to Little Billy and says "Hey what's all the excitement about", Little Billy says "Just showing everyone my new watch". Little Johnny goes "Wow, that's a cool watch where did you get it?" Little Billy says "Well, I walked in on my mom and dad having sex over the weekend, and my dad was so mad he gave me spanking and sent me to my room". The next day, he feel guilty about what he had done and went and bought me this cool Watch. This gives Little Johnny a good idea. Later that night, when Little Johnny was sent to bed, he stayed up listening and waiting for his mom and dad to go to bed. Once he starts hearing noises coming from their room he runs down the hall, throws their bedroom door open, and yells "I want a watch!" His dad looks over to Johnny and says "Well okay, but sit in the corner and be quiet!"
Vote: has 76.85 % from 124 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, kids, little Johnny, school, sex
Q: What's the difference between an NFL player and an elevator? A: The elevator can raise a child.
Vote: has 76.80 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: football, insulting, kids, sport
"Madam, your son just called me an ugly swine!" The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."
Vote: has 76.51 % from 40 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: insulting, kids, ugly, vulgar
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Vote: has 76.50 % from 564 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: kids