The best kids jokes

"Madam, your son just called me an ugly swine!" The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."
Vote: has 77.03 % from 41 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: insulting, kids, ugly, vulgar
If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds. There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.
Vote: has 77.02 % from 63 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: business, fat, food, kids, relationship
Yo mama so fat when she went sky diving in a blue jump suit, all the kids below said, "Ahhhh! The sky is falling!"
Vote: has 76.99 % from 84 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: fat, kids, sport, Yo mama
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. Then the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. "Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
Vote: has 76.96 % from 52 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: kids
There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children. We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt. When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when you die?" My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone. "We'll go in the limousine dummy."
Vote: has 76.89 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, family, funeral, kids, phone
Peter: My mom is having a new baby. Joy: What's wrong with the old one?
Vote: has 76.87 % from 139 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, kids
I was walking by a car filled with black kids, and I heard a *click* as they locked the doors. I felt like such a bad-ass until I realized it was my car.
Vote: has 76.85 % from 952 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black people, car, kids, racist
"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?" "First of all, don't give him anything to drink."
Vote: has 76.80 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, doctor, health, kids
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Vote: has 76.50 % from 564 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: kids
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.  "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.  After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"  The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."  The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."  The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."  The preacher said, I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."  The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"
Vote: has 76.41 % from 56 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: kids, priest