Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed went itself out of fear.
Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'" Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?" Mother: "Because we need the eggs."
Q: What does Superman, Batman, and Ironman have in common? A: When they were kids they wanted to be Chuck Norris
Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster? A: Hello, hello.
Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on? A: He wanted to be a cool cat.
Handy hint: Feed your baby onions so you can find it in the dark.
Q: What bounces and makes kids cry? A: My donation cheque to Children in Need.
Come on guys, I think we are a little tough on pedophiles, they have a hard time fitting in.
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."